Bestie Bill of Rights

Published June 13, 2011 by jrm17

I stumbled upon this excerpt from Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Karling (I’ve already added it to my Must Read list).  Her list of Best Friend Rights includes many I’ve done–sleeping in the same bed (My experience resulted in a slap in the face because apparently my old best friend punched in her sleep)–and some that I hopefully never have to deal with–taking care of my bestie’s kid if she dies.  While scanning it, I started thinking of things that should be added to the list by me and my bestie, Whitney.

The first thing that was be included is for Whit: I promise not to get mad at you no matter how many times you have to pee.  I swear it’s not as bad as she makes it out to be (Okay, it’s pretty bad) but Whit makes fun of me for it constantly.  However, no matter how often we make a bathroom break, she never yells at me because that would just be mean.

Next would be one: I promise not to get mad no matter how often boy crazy you are.  We have issues with boys because…well, boys suck but they’re really cute and that tends to get the best of us. No matter how often I hear about the boys in her life or she hears about the ones in my life, we will listen and remember every part of it because we both know that we are lame and that’s what we do.

The Besties at my birthday cookout.

One for both of us would be: I will love you no matter how insane your family is.  Personally, I don’t think there is a functional family on the planet but mine could run for head of the dysfunctional category and win by a landslide.  We’ve both met each other’s fams and no one has died in the process so I think we’re good at this point.  In fact, both of us survived spending hours with the other’s family.  I totally enjoyed the trip we took to Hershey Park with hers and Whit didn’t run from my house screaming at my birthday cookout so our friendship might be able to survive anything.

After those would come: We will act like little kids no matter what.  We’ve watched cartoons together–despite being 20 years old.  We have slight candy addictions–that was greatly enabled by a trip to the Chocolate Factory.  We will eat pizza for every meal if possible–example being our mini Strombolis that weren’t so mini after Hershey and we ate them all.  She’s seen my Care Bear collection and met my stuffed dog, Fluffy.  Twenty years old or not: it’s still more fun to be a little kid.

Our Keys husbands: Tyler Townsend at 1B and Bobby Stevens at 2B.

This one may sound stupid but trust me, if you knew us, it would make sense: I will help you kidnap any boy who is deemed your future husband.  We’ve made plans for Jason Aldean (Whit has a huge thing for country boys in plaid).  She offered to get Jake Arrieta or Zach Britton for me for my birthday.  We picked out our future husbands on the Frederick Keys (Tyler Townsend for Whiney and Bobby Stevens for me–we even planned a double wedding).  Our next mission is for me when we see Billy Currington in concert in September.

Another bestie specific one is: I will always get excited when you buy Vera Bradley despite the fact we both have way too much.  New wallet?  OMG, super cute.  New laptop bag?  I am super jealous.  Or even texts: Whitney!  You promised there was a ton of Twirly Bird in pink and there is none! …Oh, I’m sorry.  What did you get?…Large cosmetic in Purple Punch…I love that print!…Me too!

Going hand in hand with the previous one: I will put up with your obsession and even enable them sometimes.  With mine ranging from PopTarts to Vampires to baseball to chocolate, it’s hard to keep up but, nevertheless, Whit came through with the best birthday present ever–S’mores PopTarts (which will obviously have to be heated up in the microwave before I eat them because Whit taught me that).  And for her, I will download Jason Aldean songs and join Commuter Council to appease the bestie (not that I wouldn’t be listening to Jason anyway but she’s the one who’s in love with him).

I’m sure there are a million different rules we could add but I need to stop before this post forms its own universe.  However, I do have some important ones to add (whether they need explanation or not).  I will always stick up for you when it comes to jerkoffs, creepers, and stalkers.  We will make regular Tropical Smoothie Cafe dates and Bestie Days.  I will let you borrow books from my copious collection (because Haley Abbott is awesome and I like to spread around the love). And finally, I will go into farm stores if you go into Zebop.

I know what you’re probably thinking: There two girls are nuts.  They have had to be besties their whole lives because no one else is stupid enough to deal with them.  And truthfully, no, we haven’t.  We went to middle school and high school together but never talked (I was a jock and she was FFA).  We went through boyfriends and other best friends and tons of stuff before we became besties.  Then we ended up at college together and somehow two girls that hung with two totally different crowds became two girls who would be crazy at Hood without each other.  I don’t know what cosmic forces brought us together but I’m not sure any will get us apart now.

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