The Filthiest Word In The English Language: Hipster (Both Literally and Figuratively)

Published January 6, 2012 by jrm17

If you’ve ever watched 2 Broke Girls (one of my favorite new shows), then you know the worst two things in the world are hipsters and karaoke (and even worse, when hipsters do karaoke).  Or you can rely on Chuck Klosterman’s quote, “Well, it’s like this. You used to be able to tell the difference between hipsters and homeless people. Now, it’s between hipsters and retards. I mean, either that guy in the corner in orange safety pants holding a protest sign and wearing a top hat is mentally disabled or he is the coolest fucking guy you will ever know.”  (You can read the rest of the article but this was the only thing worth referencing)  Whichever school you are committing to, we can all agree on one thing: hipsters are really freaking annoying.

Just in case any of you (and you should be thankful for this) aren’t aware of what hipsters look like (and so you can be on the lookout for them.  Seriously.  It’s an avoid at all costs situation), here’s a diagram of both a hispter girl and a hipster boy (It is possible to mistake a hipster boy as a hipster girl or the other way around):

An average hipster boy. Photo courtesy of
Typical hipster girl. Photo courtesy of

It’s their whole I’m-so-much-cooler-than-you attitude that really kills them (or else, I would think they are really freaking awesome instead of really freaking annoying).  Why do they think they are so cool?  Because they do something we all do: like stuff before it becomes popular.  I’ll admit when certain people like stuff that I thought was cool before them, I’ll start to loathe it.  And I’ve definitely been one of those people who’ve said, “Oh yeah, I knew about that months ago.  It’s cool but now it’s so overplayed.”  And I hate myself for this.  It’s such a hipster thing to do.  I’m sure all of them new who Jason Derulo was before any of us knew the words to Ridin’ Solo.  They probably only like the song then because they were in a relationship (with some other annoyingly desperate attention seeking hipster) and it was ironic to listen to.

That’s why these people do everything: irony.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love irony.  After sarcasm, it’s probably my favorite form of humor.  But not everything needs to be done because it’s ironic.  Those stupid glasses every hipster wears whether they have bad eyesight or not…yeah, poor kids wore those back in the day.  They didn’t mean you were cool.  They meant you were poor…and lame.  Dressing like you’re living in the ’90s–that wasn’t even cool in the ’90s (Okay, it may have been socially acceptable then but the minute we hit 2000, all those stupid trends were O-V-E-R over). 

Let’s go to the videoes to explain how stupid all this hipster crap is:

Now what has Max taught us?  That hipsters are rude people.  They shun anything normal and think they are better than anyone else.  Well, I hate to burst your bubble (Actually, it really makes me happy to do this), but, dear hipsters, you are not the reason things become cool and popular.  I’m not really sure why things reach this status level but I can say without a single doubt it’s not because some hipster liked it.  In fact, it may be the exact opposite.  Us people who live in the real world, yeah, we think you guys suck and kind of tend to shun your stuff the way you do ours.

And we learned something else too: that the most susceptible to falling for hipsters is those who do not understand it.  Poo Han thinks that because hipsters eat at the diner, it will become cool.  Well, he’s partially right.  More hipsters will probably come there…for like a week.  Then someone will catch on that the hipsters deem lame and it will all be over.  No more dreams of hipsters for Han.  Granted, I think it would be better for the diner.  More normal, not hipster people would probably dine there after that (and more hipster wanna-bes.  You know the kind, they will get all excited hipsters hung out there and not realize the hipster factor ended a month ago).

In my research for trying to understand this phenomena, I came across The Hipster Handbook (I realized when I scrolled to the bottom of the page this is a satirical book–Thank God).  I read their definition for a hipster:

Hipster – One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool. (Note: it is no longer recommended that one use the term “cool”; a Hipster would instead say “deck.”) The Hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and shuns or reduces to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream. A Hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat

That’s when I realized it.  This website is a Weber dream.  We would be studying them from their point of view (Okay, not really but it’s supposed to appear to be from their POV).  And right from the get go, I saw that everything we think about them is true (Seriously?  You are going to try to replace cool with deck?  Fail).  The glossary is full of words no non-hipster would use.  I can’t even pretend to want to comment on them because they are so stupid.  It’s like when you have that friend who thinks they can create the next slang term (or like in Mean Girls when Gretchen insists on using “fetch” because it’s European).

The greatest thing I have ever found is that when I clicked on the link to The Hipster Work Ethic (nice play on The Protestant Work Ethic), it took me to a Error 404: Page Not Found.  I cracked up because hipsters have no work ethic!  It’s too mainstream and bourgeoisie to have a real job.  They are artisits or musicians (all talentless for the most part) because they need to express themselves through art.  Yeah, good luck with all that.  I may have two useless Bachelor’s degrees coming my way in three semesters but at least, I will have some job prospects and will be able to survive.  But of course, I’m not some rich girl who tries to act poor out of irony (We all know you are living on Daddy’s money, you lame hipsters.  You aren’t fooling anyone with more brain cells than you).

Then I decided, why not check out the clues you might be a hipster and clues you might not be a hipster.  The first clue you might be a hipster…well, crap.  I will be graduating from a liberal arts school where the football team hasn’t won since the Reagan adminstration.  But that’s because our school doesn’t have a football team much to my dismay.  All the rest of them though–thankfully, I don’t have any of them.  I have no clue what Po-Mo or post-modern even means.  I don’t wear glasses or messenger bags.  I have more than one Republican friend (okay, kind of hard to find at a liberal arts school but I’m not judging either way on this one).  My hair definitely needs to be washed and done if I’m going to leave the house and I have no clue what any of that music is. 

However, the clues that I’m not a hipster weren’t much better (though it gives great insight to how hipsters percieve the rest of us–all the same mindless, faceless, people.  How stereotypical of them).  I don’t teach Sunday School or work in a cubicle.  Or eat Popeye’s or like the suburbs (unless it’s in reference to Jesus of Suburbia by Green Day).  I do read books with raised lettering on the cover but I’m not really sure what this has to do with anything.  I guess “deck” novels don’t? 

After all of this, I still think hipsters suck.  I would know.  I go to a school full of them.  And the worst thing of all is that they are so self-involved that they can’t even see that in their futile attempts of nonconformity, all they are doing is conforming to a different subculture than what the rest of us are part of.  They are conforming to prototypical hipster ways.  Ha!  Take that, hipsters!  You are all just conformists too!  And you pay more money for your icky, second hand clothes than I pay for my brand new ones just because you don’t think it’s cool.


5 comments on “The Filthiest Word In The English Language: Hipster (Both Literally and Figuratively)

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