Lookin’ Like A Fool With Your Pants On the Ground

Published January 13, 2012 by jrm17

Stink bugs are one of the few bugs that really bother me.  They are annoying and tend to just do a nose dive and attack me for no apparent reason.  I recently had the most horrifying stink bug attack happen to me.  I was sitting on my bed with my laptop.  I felt something in my sweats and realized there was a stink bug crawling up my leg!  Bursting into a spaz attack, I ripped off my sweats, yelled, and jumped up and down all while trying not to drop my computer.  I opened my door as my mom was asking what was wrong with me and threw my pants at her, telling her to fix it.  Let the laughing at me ensue and the attempt to explain to my boyfriend why I was ignoring his Facebook messages (Try explaining how you were being violated by a stink bug.  All it does is cause more laughing at you).  Because of this tramuatizing event, I decided to do some stink bug research in an attempt to learn more (and, therefore, defeat) my enemy.

I started off  at the Stink Bugs Guide (seemed like a reasonable starting point).  They begin their page with the question What are stink bugs? and then go into this scientific explanation.  Okay, if I’m looking up stink bugs on the internet, I think I already know what they are.  I don’t need to know their genus and species and all that crap.  I just want to know how to take them down.  And I would like to point out that, yeah, these little dudes do secrete some icky brown liquid that stinks (though I’m pretty sure I’m imune to the smell by now).  But they don’t tell you that the liquid does not come off!  Apparently, some time when I wasn’t looking a horde of the stupid bugs decided they hated my DVD stand.  Now, I have a ton of DVD cases with nasty stink bug juice stains.  Thanks a lot.

I figured I would give the site the benefit of the doubt and keep scrolling.  They completely lost my faith when it said, “They are mostly considered agricultural pests and eat crops such as soybeans and raspberries, leaves, flowers, fruits ruining the products and making it impossible to sell.”  Yeah, I’m sure for farmers that really sucks.  But, these little creatures are not mostly considered agricultural pests.  They are considered earth-walking demons by anyone I know (Okay, this may be an exaggeration–for anyone but me–but you get the point).  They don’t just annoy farmers.  It’s innocent everyday citizens these sorry sap suckers are pestering.

After that, I knew I needed to move on to a different source: The Stink Bug Blog.  They were more helpful.  They gave me answers on how to protect myself from the stupid things.  First off, you should take preventive measures.  As in, you should seal all cracks and crevices so that the little suckers can’t get inside.  Using insecticides and then vacuuming the house was also suggested (Ummm, the environmentalist in me has un poco problema with this one but hey, it’s up to you).  They gave the same solution for in your garden since stink bugs are known to ruin crops and keeping them away from your garden will help protect the house (Yeah, mucho problema with this one.  Organic is the way to go.  Not using that crap on stuff you plan on eating or if it’s flowers, stuff animals plan on eating.  It’s just unnatural and unhealthy). 

Their final suggestion is that, like most bugs, certain plants and animals can be used as a deterrent for stink bugs (Yay! Finally  something I can get on board with).  Then the kicker comes: they want you to use this in moderation because, apparently, stink bugs keep away other pests.  Okay, I’m going to go with stink bugs are probably the worst pest I can have in my house and that whatever it keeps away outside will stay outside and not bug me.  Unless they are keeping away like Bigfoot or aliens, then I’m cool with dealing with whatever else there is (Okay, it might be slightly awesome to have Bigfoot or aliens around).  I understand the whole population control argument here but I’m fighting a war here and it’s one with no survivors.

In a final attempt to gather all possible information about the enemy, I found a site that seemed like it would be pretty reliable.  It’s called WiseGeek, after all.  Who else can we trust for information more than geeks…especially wise ones?  And I was right (Thank you very much, geeks of the world).  He told me that stink bugs are resistant to most common pesticides (Okay, I knew this but it was nice to hear such honesty).  Then we got some more deterrent suggestions (non-toxic ones at that).  Weeds are a different kind of pest but, according to WiseGeek, they are in cahoots with my enemy (Hmmm…guess I’m fighting two things now).  These stupid little plants are protecting the stink bugs by hiding them; therefore, it’s imperative to weed gardens and keep clean foliage around your house to keep them from coming in.  Then he said to use kaolin clay or a kaolin clay spray because they won’t lay eggs with it around. 

Okay, he started to lose me when he suggested to use chemical insecticide soaps targeted at stink bugs to get rid of them.  Can you spell toxic?  He regained my faith when he gave a beware statement about how dangerous and toxic that stuff is (Glad someone else is looking out for the world’s health).  He finished off with the same suggestions as the others like vacuuming the house.

Overall, I’m not sure I’ve got enough to defeat these stupid things.  I’ll figure it all out eventually because I am so sick of them landing in my hair and not wanting to leave.  Trying to crawl up my pants was the final straw.  For now, I’ll stick with my secret weapon–laundry detergent bottles with just a little left in the bottom–they’ll jump right in (It just sucks having like 6 of these lying around the house.  Not exactly the kind of decor that impresses guests).  All I can say to all the stink bugs out there is bring it on.

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9 comments on “Lookin’ Like A Fool With Your Pants On the Ground

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  • hello um i was attacked by two stink bugs today at two different times. don’t be embarrassed. i am terrified of bugs. i had to sit on my dresser today until someone came home and helped. do not be ashamed

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