Ain’t Nothing Like A Woman Southern Born and Bred, But Bless Your Heart For Trying

Published February 1, 2012 by jrm17

My friend posted this Facebook status yesterday, ” I was raised in Maryland, where flip flops come out in April (or never get put away); we don’t have fire flies, we have “lightnin’ bugs;” Old Bay is mandatory; Y’all is a proper noun; chicken in fried; crabs are steams; french fries come with gravy; sweet tea is the house wine; water is pronounced “worder” and wash is “warsh,” and everyone is hon and you never EVER disrespect most of your elders.  Repost if you’re from MD.”  I quickly jumped on the Like button and put it as my status.  Then came the negativity.  Apparently, people I know don’t live in the same Maryland as me and think you can only be redneck if you live in the South (I would like to point out, as my friend put it, while we may not be considered the South, we are located below the Mason Dixon and that because you’re dad lives in North Carolina and you think you’re a G does not give you the right to call me out for being a fake.  Hmmm, maybe you should rethink that before opening your mouth).  I’ve also been reading We’re Just Like You, Only Prettier: Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle by Celia Rivenbark (Okay, I may have been pulled in by the whole Miranda Lambert “Only Prettier” lyrics connection) so it kind of tied together, bringing me to one very big conclusion about how many types of girls there are (in my little world, at least) and what it means to be country.

First off, you’ve got your Southern girls–whether they actually live in the South or not (We could also be referred to as country or redneck).  But there are subcategories to the Southern girl.  The worst is the girl who like to pretend she is country.  She likes to make people think she’s gone hunting and fishing and can handle a gun.  She pretends that bonfires and spending days doing nothing but drinking (and by drinking we aren’t talking fruity little drinks because she can’t shoot whiskey…Thank you, Carrie Underwood) are her kind of party.  Sure, she probably owns some camo but it’s all a cover up.  This girl likes to think she’s lived a BG song but really, she’s living more of a Taylor Swift song (or at least, secretly wishes she was).  There’s no redneck Romeo in her future.  She’s looking at a future of marital bliss with…someone like the Winklevoss twins maybe.  They’ll probably make her realize she’s so far from what she’s pretending to be.

Now, we get into our actual girls of the South.  I figure there’s two different kinds here.  Two kinds that I will refer to as the Lemon Breelands and the Miranda Lamberts.  The Lemons are…well, like Lemon Breeland on Hart of Dixie.  She’s the Southern Belle.  She keeps up Belle traditions and is prim and proper.  Well, she’s prim and proper most of the time.  They have the capability of letting go and letting the redneck side out.  Usually, there’s some beer or some form of grain alcohol involved.  And, Lord, knows that this girl knows her football.  Her daddy taught her everything about it (or at least tried and then she learned it because she was a cheerleader and that QB1 was really cute.  Ahem, Matt Saracen).  Her way of getting one up on you–something all Southern girls are good at–comes in the forms of backhanded comments and a “Bless your heart” followed by a condescending explanation of whatever you didn’t know.

Our other form of GRITS (Girls Raised In The South for those of you who have not had the pleasure of chilling to some Brantley Gilbert) is the Miranda Lambert.  As you can probably tell from the name, it’s a girl like Miranda (or the Pistol Annies, whichever you’re in the mood for).  She can, as BG put it, “Hunt and fish and bust a 12- gauge, pump and not miss” (But Lemons can do a little bit of that, too.  They just chose not to).  She knows football, too and not because of QB1–though that wouldn’t stop her from hooking up with him.  She knows it because she’s a guys girl.  She loves sports–and can probably out play them.  She can hold her own when it comes to drinking and can belt out any country song with no inhibitions.  She’s got the camo of the wannabes but her’s actually fits who she is.  She ain’t afraid to fight and can out talk anybody.  She’s kind of like Mel in Sweet Home Alabama when she’s drunk if you need something a little different from a Miranda cd (And if you need a suggestion there, I would go with Revolution.  It’s a good combination of showing the hard and soft side of this type of girl.  The whole House That Built Me thing applies to this type almost every time).

There are things that the Mirandas and the Lemons have in common that are true for all country girls.  They can rock a baseball hat better than any MLB player.  They can hold their own in the kitchen and I mean cooking homecooked southern food as well as whatever else peaks their interest.  They don’t back down .  They love their roots and are proud to be country (It just depends on whether your singing the tune of “I’m a belle, a Southern belle, a Bama belle, a Dixie belle” or something with yeehaw in it).

To end our Southern girl section, let’s go out on a BanG.  Since BG knows all about GRITS:

Now, I guess I can’t talk about this without mentioning a few of the non-Southern girls (There may be too many types to talk about here and I’m not so concerned with them).  There’s the ones like the girl who commented on my status.  They’re gangster.  Okay, well, I’m sure there are some legit gangster girls out there but this one grew up in the suburbs.  The only thing that makes her seem this way is because she wears sweats all the time (Trust me, it’s not because of her G status.  It’s because she’s too lazy to put on real clothes).  She’s overly loud and obnoxious (I have a feeling she would get her butt whooped by actual gangster girls because of this) and she’s just plain rude (Another reason for them to show her how not G she is).  I guess that makes this about two different types of girls: gangsters and posers (Of course, there are posers for every type of girl).

There’s your jocks.  I like the jock girls.  They tend to be the girls I sit with in class.  They like sports.  They don’t care about what they eat because they’ll be burning off the calories at practice (Yeah about that. Maybe I should go to practice with them).  They like sweats because it’s what you play and practice in.  And most of all, they are the ones who don’t give a crap about classes and make the best insults that keep you from falling asleep.

You’ve also got your nerdy girls.  You know, the ones who know way too much stuff about stuff that other girls think is…nerdy.  They like their manga and anime.  They’re really smart.  They usually don’t wear clothes that fit (Always too big) or that you can buy in a mall (Not even in Hot Topic).  For the most part, they are one of two extremes.  They are very meek and timid or loud and a know it all.  Being in the Honors program, I find there’s a pretty good balance of the two types and usually they tend to attract one another.  They tend to make friends with the alternative girls as well (Let’s just make one big group for the goths, hipsters, punks and all that stuff.  Drama kids–unless they are way into musicals–are in this, too.  The musical girls usually go into this last group).

There’s you girly girls (We’ll just throw girly girls, preps, cheerleaders and anything like that into this last category).  They tend to come together as well but usually they have one leader amongst the group (And if tween movies have taught us anything, the leaders are usually the most hated by the others).  They have all those clothes you can buy in the mall.  I mean among the group, they may seriously have every article of clothing from Pink, American Eagle, Hollister, and Abercrombie.  They are also the ones who stare at you when you walk by no matter what you are doing (Seriously, is it really necessary to stare me down every morning when I put my lunch in the fridge?  I’m not bothering you or you’re super important conversation about whatever it is you were giggling over).

I know I’m probably leaving out a million subcategories of girls but these are my generalizations (And really, I would have left them all out but the GRITS except I felt kind of bad…plus, sociologist, yeah, our job is to generalize).  I think that the fact there are so many types of girls is the reason we never really tend to get along outside of our groups.  We are very egocentric when it comes to our own and, well, we all know, no matter what group you’re in, girls are catty (It just makes a difference on whether or not you can fight).  But in the end, we all know that country girls are the best girls.  I mean we do have about a million and one country songs written about us.  You know, Country Girl Shake It by Luke Bryan, She’s Country by Jason Aldean, Chicken and Biscuits by Colt Ford, She’s a Hottie by Toby Keith, Gimme That Girl by Joe Nichols, My Kind of Woman by Justin Moore….the list just keeps going.  I think I’ll chalk this one up as a win.

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