Are You Ready for The Zombie Invasion? Yeah, Me Neither Apparently.

Published March 26, 2012 by jrm17

Because I’m a giant weirdo, I jumped on the opportunity to DVR Zombies: A Living History on History Channel 2 a few nights ago.  I wasn’t so sure it would be too interesting considering I’m not big on history stuff but it got my attention with a mention of Gilgamesh since my weirdness has me studying death in the ancient world in my senior seminar class and we may have read the story a few weeks ago during our Mesopotamia.  Much to my surprise, the Gilgamesh part was really interesting…and so was the rest of the 2 hour program.


Let’s start with the Epic of Gilgamesh.  Now, this may be the most interesting thing we have read the entire class so I actually paid attention during this discussion.  It’s basically about this king who is an arrogant douche and the gods create a person who is just as awesome as him only nice.  Some stuff happens and they become best friends and go to fight this monster.  Ishtar–a goddess–decides she was Gilgamesh to marry her but he says no because terrible stuff happens to her love interests.  So she kills his friend and then Gilgamesh goes out in search of immortality and learns that being immortal can come in the form of being an awesome person and remembered throughout history.  It’s more interesting when you are actually reading it.  The part where zombies comes in is with Ishtar.  We read a few things with her in it and this seems to happen a lot but in the Epic of Gilgamesh, she claims that if he doesn’t marry her, she will raise the dead and have them feast on the living.  See?  Zombies.  Even the Mesopotamian were afraid of them.  What my friend and I decided all this threatening was is something very simple.  Seeing as Ishtar–our dear fertility goddess–throws a temper tantrum (I’m pretty sure I could throw a fit better than her) and threatens to raise the dead so often, she just needs a Midol (Okay, maybe something a little stronger but you get the point).  I can be pretty moody and whiny but even I’m not that bad but if she ever wanted to see a real temper tantrum, she should talk to me.  Zombies would be about the last thing I threaten.

Now, as I’m watching this show, my mama is basically telling me that it’s stupid because she’s not afraid of a zombie apocalypse.  I, on the other hand, am.  And we can thank this program for intensifying my fear (Okay, I’m scared of like everything but that’s beside the point).  The first thing they said that made my paranoia worse is that science has pretty much proven that we are screwed if zombies become real.  Somewhere in Canada they said scientists did some study that resulted in the finding that unless we annihilate the enemy quickly, we cannot beat them.  They are already dead, so killing them isn’t a real answer.  One speaker on the show pointed out that what zombies lack in speed, they make up for in persistence.  When I think about it, he’s right.  I’ve always relied on the fact we could easily beat zombies because they were slow but in all the things I’ve seen, they keep coming back until their heads are exploded essentially.  Well, crap.  Guess I am wrong, wrong, wrong.  Plus, another pointed out that you don’t fight just one zombie, you fight hordes of them.  They travel in packs and have that insatiable hunger for human flesh.  It was mentioned on the show that the scariest thing about zombies is that they don’t target killing you for any other reason than you are living.  Okay, thank you science for scaring me and thank you zombie expert for ruining my zombie invasion plans.

The second thing that scared me was that it was mentioned that those who think they’ll just go out and play Rambo aren’t going to be the ones to live; the ones who actually have survival skills will live.  My plan wasn’t to be Rambo but I was planning on teaming up with some of my friends who probably would take that route.  I guess I do have some survival skills (You can’t exactly be a country girl without them).  I can hunt and fish and grow stuff and I’m a pretty good shot.  I’m quick and little and don’t have to eat all that much (Yes, I am trying to sell my skills in case anyone wants to team up) but if we’re stuck in the woods, I might not be able to tell you what plants can kill you and which can’t.  I’m better at other things associated with redneck-ness: drinking, listening to country music, cussing, fighting, sitting around bonfire, the easy stuff.  Luckily, I am a pretty fast learner and I now know that I’ll need these skills so I can either gain the knowledge know or rely on someone to teach me when the time comes.  I think my family would be okay as long as we don’t lose someone early on.

Why is that you may ask?  Because once again, the show pointed out a flaw in my plan.  You don’t get to trust people during the invasion.  Anyone could be a zombie and there is probably going to come a time when you have to end someone you once knew and loved.  Okay, I’m not going to feel bad shooting animals or people I don’t know at that point (Yes, I know that vegetarianism is not an option when fighting zombies).  However, I can pretty much tell you now that there is no way on God’s beautiful, green earth that I will be able to end someone who I knew and loved.  I am way too emotional and too much of a sissy to be able to do that.  Knowing me, I’ll start crying and saying I’m sorry it happened to them and let them eat me.  Sad, I know, but it’ll probably happen.

Nonetheless, I apparently had a great knowledge of the history of zombies and how to defeat their predecessors without even knowing it (Thank you, Kripke).  How is this that I didn’t know I knew stuff?  Well, basically because when I’m watching Supernatural, I am paying more attention to the jokes and Dean.  However, when you have watched the first four seasons (Don’t get me started on the latter seasons), you pick up on how to kill just about everything without thinking about it.  The Wendigo (one of my favorite episodes) is a relation to the zombie.  The Native Americans thought that if you ate human flesh, you would just keep craving it and get this super speed and weird stuff would happen.  How do you beat it?  You lure it in with your yumminess (This goes double for Dean Winchester) and get a makeshift flame thrower and set that freak’s butt on fire, bringing it to its demise.  Need to defeat one zombie brought back through ancient necromancy practices?  Stake it into its coffin or else it will go on a massive killing spree.  Strange Croatoan virus cause people to act very similar to zombies?  Okay, well, Dean hasn’t figure this one out and he wouldn’t have by the time Sam becomes Lucifer and the entire world with the exception of their ragtag (and hot) team of hunters are doing their best to save the world and fight Sam/Lucifer.  However, they ended the Apocalypse so maybe the Winchesters can figure it out and give us the knowledge to save our world (Yes, I realize they are fictional and I am talking about them as if they are real but in my head, they are).

I have some other stuff to do before the zombie invasion so I’m just going to hope that it holds off for a while (Especially since the show said that more than likely zombies will be created accidentally in science labs–ergo, by us–and then it will be kept a secret for a while until we are in full-blown invasion).  I’ll rely on my skills and websites like The Girls’ Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse.  However, I would totally recommend watching this the next time it comes on H2.  The comparison of zombies to terrorists and political ongoings is really interesting and the explanation on how the invasion will happen will blow your mind.  Also, there is a tip for weapons to use before each commercial break.  So let’s keep clam and slay zombies.

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