Ah, me and my everlasting hate of hipsters. Okay, it’s more of a love-hate relationship. As in, I love to hate them but I’m pretty sure they hate themselves. Whatever. We’ve played homeless or hipster before so now we are going to take a look at Glamour’s 8 Ways To Tell If You Are Dating A Hipster. And since I am sitting next to my lovely boyfriend, we’re going to investigate whether or not Michael is a hipster (Okay, I already know he isn’t but we’ll do it anyway).
Okay, first question is what is he wearing right now– khakis and a polo shirt or jeans and a t-shirt or skinny jeans and thrift store t-shirt or above-the-knee denim cut-offs and a thrift store t-shirt he said he hated three days ago. Well, shockingly, he matches up with the first option. However, that’s because he has a meeting today. Otherwise, we’d be at jeans and a t-shirt. I’m only saying that so all of you don’t think I’m dating some uber-prep. He’s far from that. I love my nerd just the way he is. Clearly, you are facing the red-flag of hipster if you pick the last option. I mean, seriously? What kind of self-respecting guy wears cut-offs and a shirt of something they once claimed to hate (Well, the last part’s okay I guess if it’s to impress a girl). You might have to start worrying if he’s in skinny jeans, as well. Anything from a thrift store or that can fit me is a clear cut sign of borderline hipster. Go do some retail therapy with him now! I mean it. Go! Now! Stop reading and save your boyfriend! Or anything other male you care about that might turn into a hipster, for that matter.
Moving to to number two (Seriously, if you are still reading this and you didn’t save you boyfriend from the first question, you need to go do that instead). Is he in a band? If so, does he play guitar or drums? Or is he over music? Let me start this off with the only band my boyfriend will ever be in is if he’s playing Rock Band with his friends (Yes, that was a Big Bang reference but it still holds pretty true). So, Michael’s clear on this one, too (Told you he wasn’t a hipster). Now, I’m not going to hate on anyone who plays an instrument because it’s something that I cannot do. However, if you are too cool to even listen to music, well, shame on you. Go do whatever postmodern stuff or whatever it is hipsters do.
Next on the list is the reason he uses social media. The answers are: to keep in touch with friends and family, sharing interests/causes with people who share his views, reposting memes that aren’t funny but still take over the Internet, or reposting whatever appears on George Takei’s wall. Okay, as I’ve said before, I love my boyfriend and he’s no hipster. However, if you are noticing a trend that the last answer is the most hipster-ish, well, that’s because it is. And, sadly, that is one of Michael’s favorite things to do on Facebook. In his defense, that’s because he thinks George Takei is really funny and he is a nerd who has a love for Star Trek. Also, in his defense, he also like to use Facebook to make people mad and complain about the Mass Effect 3 ending (Yeah, I’m not sure if this makes him sound better or worse). Really, it’s probably hard to tell if someone is a hipster or not based on Facebook posts. Unless they are on there naming obscure bands and being generally annoying about “mainstream” stuff, then let’s not judge hastily (Yes, I am aware that I make haste judgments all the time but I’m really trying to prove Mike’s not a hipster here so bear with my hypocrisy).
Our fourth question is what does he drink? Is it Coors Light? Is it a PBR? Does he not drink? Is it some organic beer that tastes suspiciously like Coors? Okay, I can’t really answer this one for Michael. He mostly drinks whiskey and when he does drink beer, it’s Sam Adams or some random brew because we are at a restaurant that brews their own (We’ll overlook this summer’s experience with St. Paulie Girl since it was only bought because his friend thought the woman on the bottle was hot and Pork Slap because that was only bought because of the name and turned out to be the worst beer in the world). I guess the Sam Adams would fall in line with Coors. It’s a pretty mainstream beer. I don’t really like beer so I don’t know for sure. I ‘m just making conjectures. So, sure let’s go with Coors. However, I can tell you that he would not turn to some organic thing to seem all special (Though, knowing him, the following phrase would come out of his mouth: “That sounds weird. Let’s try it!” Followed by him ordering it).
The next two questions are related–what kind of music does he listen to and how long is his justification for listening to the aforementioned musical choice? Your musical options are Bon Jovi, Black Flag, Lady Gaga, or Royksopp. How long is his explanation? Less than a minute? About a minute? Five minutes? So long that you aren’t paying attention any more? Well, honestly, Mike listens to DC101 and whatever I decide to listen to. He likes classic rock and some other stuff but he’s not overly dedicated to any particular genre or artist like I am. Out of the choices, I would go with Bon Jovi for him and his reasoning would last a whole 10 seconds maybe as to why he likes them. There may be a slight problem here. My music choice isn’t on the list. They overlooked country music but my justification about my music (especially when we get into why Brantley Gilbert is so much better than Jason Aldean), it can go on for quite a while. In fact, I don’t think anyone has ever actually listened to my whole reasoning.
Moving on to number eight and the discussion of tattoos. Does he have any? What is it–something of deep personal significance, a tribal thing that he either got at a very young and naive age or when he was clearly drunk (or as some stupid male bonding thing), or a portrait of a D-List celebrity from the 1980s (Thank you, Glamour. I could not have said it better myself)? Well, I tend to really like tattoos. However, I like the second kind. You know, the non-douchebag kind. That said, Michael doesn’t have any. He’s not exactly opposed to them but he’s never going to get one. He’s just not that kind of guy. Now, if your guy is that kind of guy and he has anything other than something that is important had an impact on his life, then you need to go schedule a laser removal now. He will thank you if it’s something that he did stupidly and regrets. Or you will thank yourself if it’s saving him from hipster-dom. Plus, it will hurt. Badly. Worse than getting the stupid thing. And that will be a great punishment for doing something so dumb in the first place. Your welcome.
The final check on if you are dating a hipster is to ask him and analyze what he says. If he simply says no or just says something like I don’t know, then you’re good. He doesn’t care and he’s not a risk. But if he says no and gets defensive about it, he’s a closet hipster. He doesn’t want to admit he’s one because he claims to hate them just as much as hipsters hate all things mainstream (You getting the correlation?). Of course, that’s only if he has a few other signs as well. If he gets defensive and just really hates them for being the tool bags they are, then you’re good. If he is still justifying why he likes his music instead of answering this question, then you are really screwed and should just dump him now (Unless, you’re into the whole hipster thing, but if you are, why are you reading this?). If you were ask Mike if he’s one…well, I would but he left. Therefore, I am going to tell you what would happen. It would go something like the following conversation:
Me: Michael, are you a hipster?
*He gives me a weird look followed by a crooked smile and scoff*
Michael (sarcastically): Psh, yeah. I am totally a hipster. You’re a hipster.
Me: I hate you. Jerk.
Yeah. That’s true love right there, folks. Okay, so now you have to tally up your answers. Since I didn’t give them to you in the A, B, C, D format that Glamour did, you’ll have to go by the first, second, third, fourth method. For every first answer you get one point, second answer, two, third, three, and fourth, four. Scores that fall from 8-16 means he’s not a hipster. Congratulations! You are smart enough to wade through the dating pool and weed out all signs of hipster-dom. Scores of 17-25 means he’s kind of a hipster. Let’s hope for your sake he has what few tolerable hipster tendencies there are. Maybe he likes skinny jeans and thrift store clothes. Maybe he likes obscure bands that play good music (There are some out there. Most of them get played during the Vampire Diaries and aren’t actually all that out of the ordinary). Sadly, if you’ve scored more than 25, you have yourself a hipster. If you’re into that, then cool. If you aren’t, I’m not sure what to tell you. Clearly, you made some sort of mistake when you started dating him. It’s time to either dump him or change him. Maybe you can convince him that being hipster is too mainstream anymore. Hey! That might just work. You’re welcome for my insanely good solution.
Michael’s score (though I was really keeping score so let me go back and do some calculating) was either 10 or 11. I’m still making up my mind which of the choices his answer to if he’s a hipster most closely relates to. Either way, I was smart enough to date a non-hipster. He was a nerd before being a nerd was cool (Trust me. I’ve seen the home movies from his childhood. Even at the age of 4 he was a full blown nerd).